Today marks the anniversary…nine years since we got Mojo and Jojo our shelter companion cats. It also marks a year to the day when I lost my Mojo. He died in my arms. Suddenly and peacefully. He was convulsing when I ran to his side, his eyes met mine and I rubbed his little head – his favorite place so long as you avoided his ears. I looked to him and I smiled and said…”it’s okay…” he left me then.
When I think of it now I still cry. Not for the loss him (though I still miss him, and find myself looking for him sometimes.) I cry for that moment and everything it meant. To bring such comfort to something, anything living that they almost need your blessing to let go. To stop the struggle and pass on. It is hard, and takes a lot of inner strength to do it, but you have to. And right there, on both parts is what love truly is. An intangible, unspeakable feeling. You are this living beings comforter. Without words, without action, it is something. A deep bond that in those moments lets you touch it for a brief moment.
Mourning is a very selfish, self-absorbed thing. It is you feeling the hurt for yourself. For what this passing, this loss means in terms of your feelings. Of your every day and the life that was. For me this time was hard. The start of the second hardest time in my life. It wasn’t because he passed, it was because I felt it was unfair. Especially the domino effect that seemed to happen afterwards. At first I thought it was a new beginning. I always try to take something from death to make better what life I have around and within me. At first I thought I had succeeded, but unfortunately it was not what the universe had planned for me.
I won’t go into the ugly details of a hard year of my life. Instead I will tell you that this may mark a day of loss, but I cry not for the loss it, but for the love of it. To know I have so much love in me, more to give, more to share, an untapped, never-ending well. And that something else needed and loved me the same (As do my fur buddies still living.) it’s a beautiful, special thing that I will never forget and probably always cry about. But not for sadness for the love.
A year later and I feel for the first time in a decade that I am totally and fully healthy, happy and me. That love I can feel for myself as much as anything and everything around me. Thank you Mojo for that love and that gift.