Throwback Post Pick is a weekly feature where I fling open the vaults of past works – no matter the naivete they reflect – and revel in the making of progress! So come, TBT with me!
This is something that I have struggled with since I was first in my double digits. Perhaps it’s because I was a well behaved middle child second girl that made me predisposed to feel a need to establish a strong identity.
I’ve always had personality, but what I wanted was presence, something to remember and not just be entertained by for the time you are in my company. I wanted to feel solid within as well as without, but alas this is where the crux of the issue lies.
You see for a long time I struggled with marrying my inner reality with my outer identity. The people I seemed to attract were the ones who only wanted to acknowledge one or the other, never both.
There is nothing like an imaginary world. As a writer I am often immersed in fantasy worlds and lands of make-believe that can only come to life through my engagement and I absolutely love it. I honestly don’t think that I would change my brand of crazy for anything, I thrive on imagination and play!
I even created a whole method of creation that is based on losing yourself in your created wonderland where story boards and outlines are done away with completely, all you have is the most basic of concepts from which you are set loose in that realm and made to choose yours adventure as you go in the sheer personification of creative improv!
That’s how I got my start and it’s where I found my heart…
And who wouldn’t yearn to share that?
The problem being that those that I choose to share it with somehow always turned it around into a negative.
You mix some abusive relationships with teenage hormones and chronic illness and you have a recipe for disaster.
Yet I was also a fierce mama dragon and would do anything to protect and defend my world and my characters to the end. It was hard at the time to see just what that meant.
I almost felt like I was going all “method”to get an inner perspective on the superhero duel identity crisis!
Everything was so contradictory! After all if it hadn’t been for my creative I would never have discovered my voice – the voice of who I was at my core essence and not just what others wanted to put on my personality. Yet I was still having to co-exist with that persona, still having to interact with the perception of it, and I grew to resent that.
It is a tedious thing to feel as though your true voice is falling on deaf ears constantly. It didn’t matter how much I spoke up for my wants and needs, they were never met in these settings, but the only way out I had was through my inner reality. – If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound? Enter the break down.
It was a hard time in my life and you will find in my portfolio exist many a piece dedicated to its expression (you know how I feel about expressing after all!) and today’s piece is no different.
Featuring the art of Patrick Palmer I give you Introverted Extrovert!
Never knowing what comes next,
What will thrill me or upset.
A basket case,
I’ve come undone,
Inside my head I am someone.
When all else fails,
When all seems lost,
I lose myself in inner thought.
Alone I’m free but lost somehow,
Can see the sun,
Yet still I cow.
For brought to light I seem to wither,
And somewhat bitter.
Where is the sweetness of my escape?
Why can’t it exceed this inner quake.
I come forward only to be set back.
To be forgotten and thrown off track.
It can not be that mine is to be lonely,
That I am forever my one and only.
I cry myself to inner sleep,
For it’s only there that I may weep,
What is it I truly feel?
And which one is the ghost?
With humble prayer and heavy heart I bow my head and kneel.
For the thing I want to know the most,
Is to know what’s truly real.
Patrick Palmer will never cease to amaze, delight and truly awaken my heart with his modern figure art pieces! He is truly a new master of the human forms invocation of emotion! Lovely always!
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